Allen is 23.. He had an okay job when we started dating, then about a month into it.. he got fired. So we had a lot more time to spend together. Allen lived with his best friend, and another roommate. When Allen didn't have a job, his car tags expired. When he wasn't driving, he let his insurance expire. Because of something that happened before, when his insurance expired, his license expired. So not only did he not have a car to drive, he didn't have insurance or a valid license. I spent a lot of time at his house. I would be the one to drive us around. I lived an hour and a half away. So while I was there, I had to live at his house with him.

I always assumed that Allen talked to his roommates about me being there. I assumed that they were okay with it. While Allen was looking for a new job, his best friend was helping him out with money and helping him pay rent. Allen got another job, but a job that paid $4 less an hour. I soon got a job after that. We were both working. Allen doesn't manage money well at all. He let his bank account go in the negatives so bad that when he got paid.. he was still short. He needed money to pay rent. I gave him all of my first check. $200. So he could pay his rent.

Allen never really paid me back, he may of paid for the food I was eating, and some gas to get me to work. But I never got $200 back. Since Allen's car and license was still a mess, I was taking him to work when I could. On the days I was off, Allen would drive my car. I always got it back with no gas in it. Allen never saw this as a problem. When he was finally making enough money to fix his car situation, he started driving it again. Me and him and his two roommates all went out to lunch, Allen drove. On our way back to the house, Allen got in a wreck.

His door wouldn't shut. So he couldn't really drive his car. My dad drove out one weekend to take a look at it. He got it to the point that Allen could drive it if he wanted to. But Allen never did, unless he had to. My job was only from October until after Christmas. I was only seasonal. So when I no longer had a job, things were a little tight again. Allen was having trouble paying rent again. I started looking for other jobs, but didn't have any luck.

I became good friends with his two roommates. Nick is his best friend, and Eric. Nick had a pretty good job, and he was going to school. Eric works at Garmin and makes pretty good money. I started talking to Eric while he was at work.. He told me that Allen never okayed me being there with him, and that he was a little upset about it. But that is was fine that I was there. Because I actually cleaned and did the dishes, unlike Allen.. Allen is a very lazy person in general, then you have to factor in that he forgets EVERYTHING. He has the worst memory of anyone that I've ever met.

Allen is a fan of video games. Almost every night when Allen was home and so was Nick, they would play a video game. I would just sit there and watch since I didn't have anything else to do. I would use Allen's laptop unless he was using it to play his games. Allen also has two other really good friends, Kurt and Kyle. They are twins and Allen and Nick have known them and been friends with them since grade school.

Kurt and Kyle play video games all the time. Any time that all of them are not busy, they are hanging out. In the beginning Kurt and Kyle would come over the Allen's house. So I wasn't alone. I would sit there and watch them play. A lot of the time they would all use their computer and play a game online. Sometimes they would play a pen and paper game, like D&D. Sometimes I would just go downstairs (which was where Allen's bedroom was) or take a nap. Then Allen and Nick started going over to Kurt and Kyles on his days off. They would be over there all day, and get home late that night.

Allen works a lot, almost everyday. So his days off are special. So when he started spending them with Kurt and Kyle instead of me, I got upset. Allen made it okay in his mind, because he said he saw me everyday. Since I was always here. We would fight about it a lot.

Allen has an ex girlfriend, Haley. Haley was a huge part of his life. She lives in Idaho. He only went to go see her a few times. They dated on and off for about 2-3 years. Haley started talking to him again. Which upset me. ... a little back story. Allen is a kind of guy that has a lot more girl friends than guy friends. He isn't really a guys guy. So Allen talks to girls all the time. Most of the time when Allen is home.. he has his laptop and he will sit on Facebook and talk to everyone. 90% girls. He would also pay a video game, or watch tv. So when I did spend time with him, I had to compete with all the girls on Facebook, and his games. Allen is also a big fan of Texting. He is almost always texting someone, mainly one of his close friends Vanessa (who lives in Indiana. and he has been friends with for years) So back to my original story, Haley stated texing Allen in the beginning of December. I asked him not to talk to her and that is bothered me. He told me that he wouldn't stop talking to her and that I can't ask him not to talk to his friends. Well about a week before Christmas. Allen breaks up with me. on our 6 month anniversary because he says that he still has feelings for Haley. I was heartbroken. He said it was just a break and that we would get back together. That he just needed time to get over her. I packed all of my stuff in my car, and as I was getting ready to leave, Allen broke down and started crying, told me he didn't want me to leave. That he would figure out of way to fix this and that he wanted to be with me. I left for a few days anyways.

We spent Christmas together. We got back together. Things were okay for a while. He was still texting Haley though. Every time I knew he was, I would get the worst stomach ache. I couldn't eat. I didn't eat much for a long time after that. One time he took me out to eat. Our first date in long time. The whole way there and while we were there, he was texting her. I was so upset that I couldn't eat any of my food. I was so pissed at him for putting me through this. I didn't trust him anymore. While he was sleeping, I would get up, and go through his phone, see what they were talking about. Which I know is crazy. I just needed to do it for my sanity. He knew I would do it because if there was anything that shouldn't be in there, I would question him about it. He didn't like it, but he put up with it. Things in the whole relationship were different. I didn't put up with Allen talking to all the girls he talked to anymore. I couldn't trust him.

A week or so before Valentines Day, Allen accidentally sent this girl a friend request on Facebook. She had the same name as a girl he knew, but it wasn't her. She accepted anyways. She is a married girl who lives in Washington state. She doesn't work so is online a lot. Every time she was online, Allen would talk to her. This wouldn't bother me that much, but the way Allen is...

Allen is a very jealous person, he won't ever admit that and denies when anyone tells him he is. Allen doesn't like me talking to other guys. He says that guys all want the same thing, and if they are talking to me, they must like me. They wouldn't waste their time unless they thought I was attractive. I'm the kind of girl, that hates other girls. Girls my age are stupid and do stupid things. So I'm friends with guys. Allen hated it. So I stopped talking to most of my friends. But he didn't stop talking to all these girls. I tried to tell him that its no different that he is talking to all these girls. That he is a guy and that if he is talking to these girls, that he must like them or he wouldn't talk to them. He told me that it was different. That his just friends with these girls. If I accidentally tried to be friends with someone I didn't know.. he wouldn't like it. Even Eric told him that I was right and that is was weird and he shouldn't do it. He didn't listen.

About a month before all of this. It was a snow day and all of us were home. Even Eric's girlfriend Jackie. We were all in the living room watching tv and hanging out. Nick is gay, so sometimes he goes on craigslist just to read the ads. So he was doing that and reading some of then. So Allen goes on there on his laptop just to read some of the ads and make fun of them. I was sitting on couch, and Allen was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room, next to Nick. I guess Allen emailed a girl on there. She was looking for a texting buddy. I guess Nick saw him emailing a girl. He just IMed Allen was was like.. why are you using your yahoo email, why arent you using gmail? And Allen was like.. Oh, I'm just checking it and deleting all the spam. Nick knew that Allen was lying to him. He thought that Allen was cheating on me. I didn't know about any of this. A few mins after all of this, we all stated cleaning. And Allen all of a sudden went downstairs. He was gone for a while. So I went downstairs to check on him and ask him what he was doing. He yelled at me and told me that I wasn't his mother and he was doing whatever he wanted. So when he finally got back upstairs he was on his computer and so was I (I got a laptop for Christmas) and he IMed me and told me that me he emailed a girl on craigslist. I told him that he shouldn't do that. That you don't do those kinds of things when you have a girlfriend. (I didn't know this till about a month ago, but I guess when Allen was downstairs, he was texting Nick and fighting with him. I guess Nick threatened to tell me.) So I assume the only reason he told me was that he didn't want Nick to tell me first. I was really pissed at him for the rest of the night.

I told Allen that he wasn't allowed to talk to her. That its inappropriate and that he should know better. This was their conversation.

Allen: Hey :) I saw your craigslist ad for a texting buddy :P

Rebecca: Sorry, I pushed send before I wrote anything lol! Where are you from?

Allen: haha it's okay. I live in Lawrence, KS. You?

Rebecca: Chapman!

Allen: Where is that? Also, do you have a picture of you I could see? :)

Rebecca: Over near Manhattan, I guess I could find one lol! I'm the blond one. (http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v160/43/20/502924145/n502924145_239605_9624.jpg This is an example of what she looks like.. in case you were curious. )

Allen : haha awesome :) so what would you like to talk about texting buddy? haha

Rebecca: Do I get one in return? lol! Well what do you do???

Allen: So i guess it's wrong to email a random girl on craigslist if you're dating someone. My girlfriend got mad at me for talking to you :\ I didn't think it was that big of a deal... So I guess I shouldn't do it anymore..

She didn't write back for a couple days. So he emailed her again.

Allen: Did you get the last email? I thought you'd write back..

Rebecca: Ya I did, I just havent been on! Well that's cool, I understand!

Allen: I think she might be okay with it now...idk. what's up?

(Allen and I talked about it again, he told me he wouldn't talk to her again, and I said okay..and that everything was okay again. He took it as me being okay with it that he talked to her. He just assumed this without asking me... He think he just didn't want to hear my answer)

She didn't reply back again for a few days.. so he sent this.

Allen: Hey, where did you go?

Rebecca: I don't get on the computer very often, maybe once a week! What's up?

Allen: Only once a week?? Haha that's not very much... What have you been up to? Do you have a facebook?

Rebecca: Ya I work 2 jobs so I am hardly ever home! Ive just been working, hanging out with my son, nothing terribly exciting, you?

Allen: Oh you have a son? How old is he? Yeah I've thought about working 2 jobs, and it sounds bad lol. But I need something else... I'm poor most of the time. So tell me stuff about you...

She didn't email back again.. so he sent this...

Allen:hey. where have you been? we never did text haha. text me 913 748 ****

Rebecca: Ya lol, I always have my phone, hardly ever on the computer! Won't your girlfriend get mad?

Allen:lol no....she won't be mad. she just thought it was weird that i randomly started talking to someone from craigslist at first.

I WAS mad, but since he already gave his number to her, there wasn't really anything I could do about it. They started texting. I guess she was really boring, so they stopped.

So he started talked to his girl he met on Facebook. It was to the point that is he wasn't working.. he was home.. on the computer. Talking to her. I was there.. but I felt like he ignored me. So a couple days later, Kurt and Kyle came over to play games.... I started talking to Allen online so I could say what I really wanted to say..We started fighting.. I told him I couldn't do this "thing" that we were doing anymore. So he broke up with me.. While all of his friends were there.. while he was playing games and laughing with his friends. I had to take breaks to go throw up because he was breaking my heart, and he was laughing and goofing off with his friends. He was also still talking to this girl the whole time he was breaking up with me. So I went downstairs, packed a lot of my stuff.. and drove home. I didn't even say goodbye. I was really upset. I knew it was over. I knew that I messed it up. I really loved him. And he was tired of me. He said that he felt like he was trapped and he felt like he was married, that I was always around and he didn't have any space.

We talked a few days later, he said that he loved me and he knows that I'm the one. He just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He wanted me to wait for him. I told him that I wouldn't. That its not fair on me... We still talked. But this is when I started talking to Andrew. He was there for me to talk to, to vent to. Which is something that I needed.

We got back together, but I just didn't feel the same way anymore. He broke my heart twice. I just couldn't let him back in again. I still loved him, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. There are things about him that I can't change. There are things I should of done different, there are things he should of done different. But you can't change the past. I just wanted to end it while I still liked him. I don't want to keep being with him and then end up hating him. He is my best friend. I want him to always be in my life. When I think about it, the things I miss the most, and the times we were just having fun. Things that I can still do with him, as friends. I don't regret me decision. I just hope he understands.

Some of the things that have happened to me this week...

1. Me and my boyfriend Allen are on a break.

2. An ex of mine, Jeff told me he was in love with me. He asked me to move to Las Vegas with him, and told me he would get me a ring. Which.. is totally out of the blue.

3. This guy Mitchell who I have a lot of history with told me that he missed me and he wanted to get back on my good side again, because he wants to be with me again. He says I'm one of the only two woman that can keep him in line. Me and his Mother. HA

4. I RSVP-ed to an open house at The Art Institute. I'm making the first step to go back to school.

What do you do when you love your boyfriend, and he breaks up with you.. twice.. How are you supposed to forgive him and give your whole heart to him again after he has crushed it twice?? This is where I'm at. He loves me.. tells me he wants to be with me.. Tells me that he made a huge mistake.. I still love him.. but my heart just isn't in it anymore. How do I put my heart back in it? Do I just have to give up?

There is this other guy, I guess you can call him an ex.. I hooked up with him once. He never called me again. He found me a couple months ago and wanted to apologize and make things right. We've been talking, and been friends. I know I shouldn't trust him again. But he really is a good guy deep down. I mean, he has had his heart broken lots of times.. and when we hooked up, we really didn't know each other very well. He said there was just a wave of emotions after it that he couldn't deal with, so he just didn't. But he says that he can't say how sorry he is. I forgave him a long time ago, so I'm not even upset anymore.

The thing is, when my boyfriend broke up with me, this guy was there to talk to me. He made me feel better, the girl he was dating had just broke up with him too. So we had a lot in common and a lot of things to talk about. Then me and my boyfriend got back together.. things were good for a little bit. Then I told the guy, I think he was upset about it.. but he never said anything. Then a couple weeks later, I was home alone.. and bored. He was there to keep me company. So I don't know how the conversation came to this, but he said how beautiful I was. I thought he was just being nice. I didn't think anything of it. Then a little while later, I don't remember what I said.. but he asked me if I was hitting on him.. I didn't think I was.. Then he said a comment like darn or something. So then it made me think that he liked me.. So I asked him. He said of course he did. This was a total surprise to me. The last thing I knew... I slept with him and he rejected me. I didn't think he liked me like that at all. This totally threw me off. I didn't know what to think anymore. I know liking the fact that someone you thought rejected you, didn't actually reject you is wrong when you have a boyfriend. Thinking about being with this other guy again is really off limits. But there I was.. having these old feelings come back and thinking about another guy.

I feel like an awful person. I kept talking to this guy more and thinking about my boyfriend less. I didn't know what to do. What the right thing to do is. Stop talking to this guy that makes me feel something I haven't felt in a long time? Just be with my boyfriend, and think down the road, "Is this the right choice?" "Will I regret this?" Or break things off with someone I truly love and take a big risk on some guy when it didn't work the first time we tried?

I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not, but as of right now.. me and my boyfriend are on a break. I'm going to go see this guy this weekend. Have dinner, and just talk. See what happens. As much as I feel guilty.. I don't know what else to do....